Inner Cartography
Pen and ink contemporary fine art by Doug Ashby.
Between realities there lies a space full of contradictions. Fractured and serene. Suspended landmasses jut outward from falling spheres that lead one towards a place of reckoning, and peace. This place has the tug and pull of gravity from that which you are in and that which you are moving towards. In many ways I feel this is where I have been now for many years. Caught between the world I have inhabited for over two decades, as an educator of art, and the world I am working towards, that of being an artist. In many ways there is a duality in that the feeling of being caught between is both disorienting and sacred. There is no doubt that teaching has given me so much, yet the siren call towards devoting myself more fully towards my art is strong. Teaching visual art has taught me so much about being an artist, and I believe it can, and will continue to do so. Through my art I feel I have been ”mapping the self” through a practice of locating who I am amid shifting terrains and within that process I am slowly discovering, illuminating, the cardinal direction that will bring order both drawn in ink and found in intuition and silence.
In reflection I believe I always had a desire to be an artist. Early on it was not a goal per se but a knowing deep within. When I began my undergraduate degree I started out as a history/pre-law major. However a serendipitous encounter with the head of the art department awakened my inner artist and I switched majors. My partner at the time was furious and told me I would be a failure in life. After completing my degree the world however had a different ask. One where there was stability, structure and sustainabilty. Teaching was the answer despite it being a map I never intended to follow. The evolution of the tension between my youthful hopes, desires and adult responsibility placed being an artist on hold. I do not look back with contempt or disappointment. As I said before this path, on my self map, has led to many wonderful things and I feel it will continue to do so. I understand my youthful self more fully now and come to this moment with compassion, yet the absolute need to live as an artist persists. The desire to create is outpacing the need to teach.
As I stated before, for a quarter century now I have been an art educator. This life has provided a structured landscape if you will that is measured not just in time, but also in standards and service. It has shown me that predictability can be a comfort. During this part of my journey I have done many things I never dreamed of when I began and the joy one experiences when discovering you made a difference in another person's life is humbling. I will forever be grateful towards my students for what they have given me. If I were to view my teaching from the lens of self mapping I would say that it served as a cartographic training ground. Through observation I learned that creativity does not unfold in a vacuum and that conversation, communication throughout the process is integral to developing complex ideas. Discipline, showing up everyday for my students, guiding them through their journey, seeing the refinement occur over years, has strengthened my ability to do so for myself. Refining my practice through what I was teaching has paid dividends as well. For something I never intended to do, teaching has grounded my creative spirit and for that I am forever grateful.
About five years ago I began realizing that through my art I was communicating my deepest desires towards myself. Within that I unintentionally was exploring my own inner landscape and grappling with where my compass was posting. As the single tree, a symbol of the bodhi tree, kept returning throughout. It was the embodiment of the sacred meditative space from which creativity, for me, springs forth. Through my art I began learning more about my spiritual and emotional self and to gain more clarity about what will come next on my journey. The path on my self map now leads to a place where my life as an artist, and as an educator will collapse into each other to a place where they continually reinforce one another in a more balanced and harmonious way. There I will find, I believe, a new well of creativity, energy and desire to bring what I have to offer in ever more expansive ways.
I am almost there. Yet I am still within the liminal space between. I can see my path but there is much work to do in reconciling the emotional tension within transformation. This is the landscape in between on my self map. I am not at the comfort of arrival, nor the certainty of departure, but the moment of stillness before movement. This is a place of both friction and formation where current responsibilities must be tempered with the efforts involved in moving forward. In many ways this is an exhausting place. When the understanding comes that moving forward, and onward settles in, yet you must endure where you are and have been for a bit longer is reality it can feel draining. At this moment however the time spent serving the future direction becomes more sacred and purposeful. Even though it can feel like there is a lack of progress forward this is false. It’s within the clarity of understanding that meaning takes shape and actions become much more aligned than ever before. Despite so desperately wanting to bridge the fractured gaps on the map and leap fully into what is coming we must be measured and show temperance. Time is literally our ally at this moment.
Each of us of course carries within shifting landscapes. This, in many ways, is part of the essence of our human journey. Inner mapping therefore is a universal act. We are all becoming, and on a secret journey of self discovery. We do this by being observant of our lives and reflecting deeply on where we are and how the journey has shaped this. We are formed by our choices, our relationships and of course time. Where are you currently? What paths have shaped you? Where is your inner compass pointing? In spite of the many detours life places in front of us on our journeys they are essential contours on our maps. It’s the known unknowns in many ways that mold us, through perseverance, into the person we are at this moment. Understanding to be accepting and reflective, embodying the self-awareness we all have agency over, is possibly our greatest teacher.
Earlier I stated that each artwork I create I feel is a communication, not just to you the viewer, but to my inner self. This piece here I feel is telling me that while at times I can feel as if things are barely holding together there is a point at the edge where what I desire will come to be. On the road to becoming we need to recognize that we are not necessarily beginning anew but returning to what was with clearer vision and more embodied resilience. This then is the moment when we stand at readiness to journey outward on our redrawn inner map. Of course there will be exciting detours along the way that will further shape us, yet the journey is much clearer thanks to the past, and the moments spent in between. The map I once longed for then was never lost, it was waiting for me to become the one who could draw it.
As always I hope you enjoy the writing and art. I welcome a conversation if you are interested. Please leave a comment, I promise I will respond. This piece is for sale. It is 6” x 12”. It is $396 unframed. If you are interested, use my contact page to reach out.
Thanks,
Doug
