A Resilient Foundation

Contemporary Pen and Ink Fine Art by Doug Ashby

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what comes next. I do not think this is uncommon for someone in my time, and place. My second half of life is fully underway and with that comes a great deal of reflection on the path that led me here, as well as where I aspire to go. The latter can be quite scary in many respects as the unknown always is. Despite the realization that fewer days lie ahead than are behind me I have a small amount of hope that the best is yet to come.

I feel this way because I am fortunate. I have a degree of resiliency, due to life circumstances that in some ways were outside of my control, that is based upon a strong foundation that has been developed. In the recent years I have done much to squander that foundation and as a result some cracks have emerged. However, I truly feel that there is a future of growth ahead and that if I work hard to shore up the strength in the bones that lie beneath I can propel myself, and my family, to a place that is resoundingly better for all of us. There lies the rub though. I have more work to do than I should have because I allowed the demons to run rampant for a little while and as a result a portion of the strength I had a few years earlier needs to be rebuilt. A task that certainly isn’t impossible but is more challenging simply because I am now older.

Dreams are a funny thing. I am not talking about the ones that come in the night and signal to us in ways that are hard to understand. No I am talking about the ones that emerge in life and often get pushed to the side as the real struggles of simply living present themselves in a relentless fashion. After all this world is unique in that we are creatures that simultaneously must work to survive but also have the capacity to desire something more profound. For me that lies in working towards being an artist above all else. By that I mean one who not only strives to create meaningful work based on my core values, but also one who achieves the privilege of that being the work that sustains life. This is my desire for my act three.

Act three. I am coming to understand that thinking in this way is so much more productive than the idea of retirement. That word alone I feel is quite antiquated. The notion that moving on from my career as an educator, one that I have done now for twenty-four years, is something so much more than retirement is many things at once. Many would say that the prudent path would be for me to finish out another 7-10 years as a teacher to maximize my future security. Sure but at what cost? The reality is the balance of fulfillment with acceptance is titling. No longer can I engage in the not so fun aspects of the job with regard to the enjoyable parts. The scale has tipped and the idea of risk versus stagnating in limbo is wearing me down. This is one of the reasons my inner demons have emerged and threaten to overwhelm me in a negative way. I feel that while the underlying foundation has some vitality still within, it is now or never to go down the path not yet taken.

So now the real question is not only, what work needs to be done, but how exactly it needs to be done. Acknowledgement is a good first step. Addressing the demons is probably the next logical one. With the grace of my family and friends, for which I am blessed, I want to believe I have what it takes to make my dreams meet me here on Earth, and that act three can become reality. The bones are not broken yet, and with the right treatment I believe they can once again be strong and provide with me the resilient foundation I need to move forward.

Life is art and art is life,

Doug